I need to visualize my history to see who i am
Elliot makes me cry
I found an emo group called Nuzzle. I'm listnening to their album Junk of Myth '92-'95 and i love pretty much every song, especially Neurasthenia Stays, but yeah they're all good and the singer sounds like i like them to sound:P very underrated, very raw, trashy but fluid and melodic at the same time somehow. They performed at the first Yoyo A Go Go.
i ate pesto pasta in a very cool spaghetteria, a very small restaurant that i stumbled upon. Feels like it was a bar in the 90ies, very comfy, only has one counter to eat at and two miniature tables infront outside. Im coming back because they played Siouxsie and the Banshees, The Primitives and the Tom Tom Club.
In the antique store (that had so much useless shit in that i almost left rightaway) i looked through postcards and photos and found a pack of photographs, it must have been a whole film roll, that some, presumably czech, family took to remember their vacation and some celebration i think. It's mostly older people and one young girl. She reminds me of me when i was young, but she actually looks way cooler. I can imagine her in a band
It's cool that i'll never know who they are so I can make up any story I want about them. And i want to find more stuff like this
before going to that store I saw an exhibition about Armenia and its heritage. I took my time to look at and read about its oldest monasteries and churches, that are, to me at least, so mysterious because of the early form of christianity that they nurtured for centuries, hidden away in the mountains and I thought about wanting to visit Armenia. And then, in the antique store, i found a postcard with one of the churches and took it home aswell.
I feel like im reporting like some middle schooler and dont know how to change the way this feels, but ill figure it out eventually and different design might help. I think i need to use less words to say more.
Dedicated to bluebell573
I'll lose my chains when I hear you call my name
While having a cigarette I saw a big rabbit hop around in front of the dormitory. And i feel like a failure but it's okay because it's fall.
In circles
Cut my bangs today. I like doing it myself even if its bad.
Cool red door in the bathroom, feels like im at da club. Actually all doors are red here and you cannot escape it. I think theres not enough red in my life anyways.
I've been here for a week now. I'm really happy to be away from home for some reason.
Frances Ha made me cry. Whats the condition called when after watching a film or reading a book you take on the personality of a character. I'll be 27 next year. My favorite number. I hope i don't waste it. I feel like crying more but i (physically) can't. I want to be so much more but i don't know how.
Dedicated to Marco Pierre White
The photo is by Jaroslav Vavra, he's supposed to be one of the biggest nude photographers from Czech. Even though this fact leaves a bitter taste in my mouth after seeing a woman's body beeing countlessly exploited in the history of art or in general, I liked much of his work i've seen in this book. This one feels like shes a witch burning at the stake and the branches are fuel and flame at the same time. She's one with the flames.
I read that 10:10 is supposed to put a smile on a clock's face. These just gave me anxiety.
Human pillarDedicated to my childhood and Methodius and Cyril.
Everyone who is lucky enough has their own idea of what spending time by the sea as a child feels like. When I was little, my family would spend a week or two of every summer by the sea on island Krk in Croatia. There's a town called Baška that exists in my memory in a way only places experienced through a child's eyes can, never later spoiled by worries and anxieties of an adult. The images of that time in my head are inseparable from the feelings and when i think about it it seems like only the finest grains of time passed through the sieve and shaped what i now know is summer by the sea. I won't add a photo of that town as no one will be able to see what i see in it. Anyways, i was reading about Glagolitic script today and found out that an important monument, a limestone tablet with an inscription in old Church Slavonic language from around 1100 was found in a church near Baška, called Bašćanska ploč. So that's cool kinda.
I dreamt that i had to climb up multiple storeys of stairs, but they were at times super narrow and there was nothing under them and no railing and i was suddenly afraid of heights and very scared for my life.
I just watched Persona by Bergman. I loved it, it was visually stunning and seized me from start to finish. There's a lot i didn't get. But i'm thinking what am i afraid of that is preventing me from allowing myself to show what i think, who i am? At first i felt related to Alma, because of her "status" and feeling of inferiority comparing to Elisabet (Alma to Elisabet: "And you wouldn't have any difficulty, of course, turning into me. You could do it just like that. Of course, your soul would stick out a bit everywhere, it's too big to be inside me."). But in the end I see I should be more like Alma as she shows who she is and cannot fake it even if she tries (i think?) even though she feels like a fool after. But Elisabet doesn't show herself because she's afraid and it doesn't matter that shes a renowned actress. You cannot measure a soul by profession. And i want to learn swedish!!
I feel like i don't really enjoy anything ever. And I dont really have any non superficial interests or motivation to get into anything beyond surface level. I feel like im so ignorant and dont really care about stuff. I feel like ive spent my whole life staring at a wall. Because i dont really know anything or have any skills or have anything to say. So i must have been zoned out since forever or i have some crazy amnesia condition. Dont know how else to explain it. Im not adapted to any environment, im not my own person, i feel like i dont even have my own habits. I read Deleuze today and only thing I understood was him saying that having no style is the equivalent of not being alive. Its crazy actually. I enjoy music and thats it. I do get attached to people and animals if i spent enough time with them. I get happy over things but only because its an expected reaction. And the worst thing is that i dont have any dreams for my future. Everybody wishes for something or imagines something for their future. I dont somehow, besides wanting to go certain places and not be alone. Im afraid im going to be alone. I dreamt that my friend told me im a psychopath and she studies pshychology so it must be true haha. And my tooth is starting to hurt for some reason and a bird shat on me today. Fuck everything. I cant even fucking cry thats how fukcing non human i am. Maybe i just dont push myself enough, its hard for everyone but maybe other poeple just dont quit that easily.
How, how is it possible, that every single Cocteau Twins song is a masterpiece? Ooze out and away, onehow
William Blake, The Night of Enitharmon's Joy. I didn't know Blake wrote his own mythology. Here painted is Hecate, a three bodied greek godess of underworld, passages, moon, herbs, spells. She was a witch, her sacred animal was a dog. One scholar interprets Blakes colour print Hecate: "She is triple, according to mythology: a girl and a boy hide their heads behind her back. Her left hand lies on a book of magic; her left foot is extended. She is attended by a thistle-eating ass, the mournful owl of false wisdom, the head of a crocodile (blood-thirsty hypocrisy), and a cat-headed bat."
I am the mournful owl of false wisdom.
William Blake said he experienced visions since his childhood. One of his visions was this Ghost of a flea. How beautiful is that, to think about the ghost of a flea. I should get this tattooed. More Cocteau Twins here.
Blake's palette and texture reminds me a lot of the style of Cocteau twins album covers. Especially his print of Newton with its dark teal shades and grainy surface and then the washed reds and pinks of the corals.
Spent the weekend in Prague. Saw Lucy. She - her remains - was very neatly arranged on the table behind glass. Her fragmented skeleton is a series of long and short dashes resembling a morse code. A three million years old message.
It's getting cold. And i feel like my ability to make and hold a conversation is declining:( Even with poeple i know/have known for a long time. Like the distance separating me from others is becoming so vast and impossible to outrun and i think i never felt close to anyone ever. I have to name something positive in my life. Is this too personal? I think it's too boring for anyone to read.
Boží muka
Day 394920 of not knowing how to function in this world.
I'm gonna try writing something even though i feel like i don't have anything to say.
Is it anxiety or general disintrest the reason i never start a conversation with people. But sometimes i love asking questions, some poeple can go on and on about anything you put in front of them. I hate being asked in return though. No one ever asks me the right things, the questions i'd wish to answer. I should get a new persona and start lying. Because i think i try to be so honest in my answers that even if someone asks me, simply for the purpose of making useless small talk, for example "how do you like this meal" or whatever, i think the answer must be rooted so deeply in my soul and must be so completely me (who of course i don't know anything about) that i go to try find it and then i get overwhelmed and i freeze and just say the most stupid boring thing. Constantly im questioning how to say the right thing, how can anyone ever find out what the right thing to say is that will reflect their entire being and encompass all of their previous unique life experiences in one sentence. I know "the right thing doesn't exist" but i feel like everyone has a fingerprint in the way they do and say things, without trying. And then i try to do the same thing in a weird autistic analytical way that amounts to nothing. How could i then not feel like i don't really exist. And then i really wish that i never did. It's like all my days get lost, the sum of everything i've seen and heard and read is zero. That's so fucked, i want to get over this and have real life problems. I am so detached and disassociated from this world. Like i cannot possibly grasp reality. I feel like i'm a block of stone that people pass on the sidewalk. And they move and talk and exist and sometimes see me but usually not and even if they do they might wonder about me but i cannot say anything of use or interest or anything at all so eventually they just forget about me. I'm noticing a pattern of my attempts to write only making me more depressed. I admit i am being too harsh on myself. But im realizing that all my experiences are lost and it's hard to reflect on them because i cannot feel anything while they're happening. Im a flatline emotionally. So it's not that i don't care, but i cannot care. This might sound stupid but i fear that my anxiety is so overwhelming that happiness and sadness and wonder don't have their own space. And it's been like this since i can remember, while im sure that as a child i was happy, i cannot remember me as such and all my memories are distorted and soaked with how ive been feeling for years now. Another thing i just realized is that almost none of my memories are of me speaking. The association of discomfort i have with speaking is so strong that i immediately delete them. Im just eyes. I fear for the quality and meaning of my life. Oh well if there was only something i could do about that. My mom didn't even want another child before i was born. I think i never accepted the fact of my existence. But now im crying and im sorry this is so personal and i know i sound cringe and i know im speaking from a privileged position to even have the chance to think about this, but i need to put my feelings down somewhere. I couldn't care less about the meal. Or maybe it's the best i've ever had. I really don't know.
I've been petting horsies today. If i close my eyes i can still feel their hair and warmth under my fingers.
I've been also: watching Hamilton Morris a lot, and now i think chemistry is super interesting and am sorry i didn't like it in high school, i am knitting gloves or handwarmers actually and i'm finally gonna try to watch Kids tonight, but it's almost one at night so i hope i can make it, but i do feel like watching it so that's good.
I was very dramatic two days ago.
Streetlights burn three shades lighter than the fire on my cigarette.
The only true home is the uterus and everyone is lost or pretending. When i was a child i wandered away from my mom and got lost amidst the tall grasses. What pleasure. Green curtain all around me, bending, opening, a play without spectators, a rehearsal where i performed as the wind. Then another time at sea the waves almost carried me away without me knowing. Because of the snow, too, i lost my way. There i learned that white is isolating. In the dark there's always the potential of company. The sun reveals your solitude.
"What moved the leaves? What moves my heart, my legs?"
"Now i will wrap my agony inside my pocket-handkerchief."
The first time i got high i was looking at the sunset and saw Jesus in the clouds